We lost our son Carson in November last year after 7 weeks in the NICU. He was born via emergency c section at 24 weeks 3 days. His death was absolutely devastating. He had been fighting a very aggressive infection but had started to make small improvements. We thought he was turning the corner and had so much hope. But he died very quickly and unexpectedly the next night. Nurses preformed CPR for close to 2 hours before I withdrew care. I wanted to try again almost immediately but my husband wasn't ready. My doctor also advised that we wait between 3 and 6 months to try again because of my surgery. So we have decided that March will be the month that we start ttc. I am an absolute mess though. I am so excited to try again. I want nothing more than to have a big pregnant belly and all of the crazy pregnancy symptoms that I missed out on with my first pregnancy. I've always dreamed of being pregnant since I was little and it was devestating to not get to experience my whole pregnancy.  I want a healthy baby that I can take home. Not weeks and weeks in the hospital with each day being life or death. But I am so anxious to be pregnant again too. I know all of the things that can go wrong. What if I miscarry? Or have a still birth? Or lose another preemie?  Will I have another baby shower just to have to get rid of all of the gifts again? And how will I feel if I get pregnant with another boy? Not to mention the overwhelming grief for the son I lost and who should be here instead. I'm not supposed to stressing out about ttc. I'm supposed to be caring for a 4 month old. I'm supposed to be making happy memories with my baby, not mourning the loss of his life and my pregnancy and birth experience. I am just so emotional this week and today was a shit day. The littlest things keep setting me off. Not to mention my very best friend found out she was pregnant shortly after my son died. She just had her gender reveal today - it's a boy. I should be over the moon happy for her but I'm just plain mad. I'm in my early 20's so it seems like every other person I know is announcing their pregnancies and it just makes me so upset. Upset that they're pregnant and I'm not. Upset that they don't know what loss feels like. Upset that I'm not happy for my friends. I almost want to postpone the whole ttc process but that makes me even more anxious. I'm just so ready to have my rainbow baby.  I wouldn't trade the 47 days I had with my son for anything. But 47 days just wasn't long enough.